Harriet Connor

Author of Big Picture Parents

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Here’s what people are saying about Big Picture Parents:

This is such a calming, ‘phew!’ kind of a book – highly recommended for anyone, but especially if the day-to-day challenges of parenting are stressing you out right now. Harriet is a gifted Bible teacher, and her careful reflections, rooted in everyday life, will bring peace and hope to any family situation.

–Lucy Rycroft

Big Picture Parents isn’t another how-to book that leaves you overwhelmed and discouraged (thank goodness). Instead, it reminds you of the bigger story God has written for you and your family, which is so easy to forget in the midst of life’s craziness. I found it super helpful and encouraging. You should seriously check it out. .”

–Jennifer Phillips

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What happened when … we started screen-free Sundays

A few years ago, I read The Tech-Wise Family: Everyday Steps for Putting Technology in Its Place by Andy Crouch (Baker Book House, 2017). It’s a very challenging book, in that some of its recommendations are unrealistic for most modern families. But reading it convinced me that we needed to become more intentional about our family’s use of technology.

Crouch very helpfully foregrounds our God-given purpose as human beings: we’re made to create, rather than just consume; to share in deep, real-life relationships and to learn real-life skills for enjoying and mastering the world around us. When it comes to technology, we have to ask whether it is helping or hindering us from doing these things. Crouch describes how technology makes things ‘easy-everywhere’, which usually works against us growing in character and competence as God intended.

For example, when we can push a button and hear any piece of music we like, we have less motivation to learn how to sing or play that song ourselves. Or when we can enjoy ‘easy’ conversations with people like us online, we don’t learn how to engage with people who are different.

When I read Crouch’s book, I absorbed and applied what I could, but it was hard to get the other members of my family on board. However, about a month ago, my husband independently came across Crouch’s rule for ‘digital Sabbath-keeping’. Crouch recommends that families make this commitment:

‘We are designed for a rhythm of work and rest. So one hour a day, one day a week, and one week a year, we turn off our devices and worship, feast, play and rest together.’ (Tech-Wise Family, Introduction).

That day, my husband came up with a great idea: ‘screen-free Sundays’. But the big challenge? This was going to be for the adults as much as the kids! My husband and I would put our phones away for the day, and our kids wouldn’t have any screen time. Instead, we’d focus on doing things together as a family (beginning with going to church). So what happened when we started screen-free Sundays?

The day felt longer

The first ‘screen-free Sunday’ we had was a rainy day … and it went by very slowly. Compared to the rushing and racing that often happens on school days, it has been wonderful to feel so unhurried on Sundays. Without the constant distraction of my phone, my brain slows down to a more relaxed pace too.

We enjoyed simple pleasures

With hours of time to spend together, we can take turns choosing the activities. Since our children range in age from fourteen down to three, this means we regularly find ourselves playing simple games like hide-and-seek. When there are no ‘cooler’ or ‘flashier’ options, the older kids start enjoying whichever kind of low-tech fun is on offer. The big draw card is that we are all doing it together—even mum and dad. And we have a great time!

We got creative

We’re always on the lookout for ‘real life’ things to do on Sundays—activities where we’re creating, rather than consuming. So far we’ve played music, made up new games, cooked together, built cubby houses and worked in the garden.

We stepped back in time

When we go ‘analogue’ for a day, my husband and I find ourselves telling our kids what things were like when we were younger—when there were only four television channels and no streaming services, when you had to ask strangers for help (or use a phone box!) if you had a problem, when you had to drive with a street directory on your lap, when you had to remember everyone’s phone numbers off by heart …

I think having a taste of life ‘in the olden days’ has been a valuable experience.

I realised how much of a screen habit I had

Putting my phone away for the day has also made me realise how often I usually reach for it. Whether it’s a ‘quick check’ of Facebook or making sure I hadn’t missed an email, my mind had developed a habit of seeking connection to the ‘cyberworld’ outside my home—and ‘checking out’ of what was happening around me. Taking a day to resist that reflex helps me and my husband to make sure that we’re not ‘addicted’ to social media and other forms of communication. I’m now finding it much easier to resist the lure of the phone on other days too …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

What are Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday about?

Since the early days of Christianity, the Church has observed the season of Lent as a preparation for Easter. Traditionally, Easter was the time of year when new converts were baptised and when repentant sinners were re-admitted to fellowship and communion.

The Church of England website explains how this shaped the season:

‘As the candidates for baptism were instructed in Christian faith, and as penitents prepared themselves, through fasting and penance, to be readmitted to communion, the whole Christian community was invited to join them in the process of study and repentance, the extension of which over forty days would remind them of the forty days that Jesus spent in the wilderness, being tested by Satan.’

Counting back forty days from Easter (not including Sundays), means that Lent begins on a Wednesday. The day before this became known as Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day.

Shrove Tuesday / Pancake Day

Originally the Tuesday before Lent was about ‘shriving’, that is, confessing your sins. But eventually it became a day of carnival or festival, because it was the final chance people had to ‘party’ before the serious season of Lent began. Many Catholic countries still hold large public carnivals at this time of year. Some of the most famous of these are held in Venice, Italy and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

Since Lent traditionally meant fasting from luxuries like meat, eggs, sugar and butter (except on Sundays), the day before became a time to eat up all the ‘luxury’ foods in the house, sometimes in the form of pancakes. That led to the day being called Mardi Gras (French for ‘fat Tuesday’) or Pancake Day.

Ash Wednesday

Ashes are an ancient sign of repentance. For this reason, since the Middle Ages, Christians have observed the start of Lent by being marked in ash with the sign of the cross.

Many traditional churches still hold an Ash Wednesday service. Sometimes, the ash used for marking is made from burning the palm crosses from the previous year’s Palm Sunday service. Some common Scriptures to be read aloud are Psalm 51, a psalm of repentance, and Joel 2:12–18:

‘Even now,’ declares the Lord,
‘return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.’

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity. (Joel 2:12–13)

When it comes time for the ‘imposition of ashes’, the minister says something like this (from a Church of England liturgy):

‘I invite you to receive these ashes
as a sign of the spirit of penitence with which we shall keep this season of Lent.
God our Father,
you create us from the dust of the earth:
grant that these ashes may be for us
a sign of our penitence
and a symbol of our mortality;
for it is by your grace alone
that we receive eternal life
in Jesus Christ our Saviour.
Amen.’

As the minister marks each person with a cross of ash on their forehead, s/he says:

‘Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ.’

Personally, I have found attending our church’s Ash Wednesday service a very meaningful experience. It’s a rare opportunity to remember and express—in a very tangible way—my mortality before God, the One who gives life and forgiveness.

How might we mark these days?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Nativity Notes: Did Mary give birth in a home?

As I think about the Christmas story as a mother, my heart always goes out to Mary—exhausted from a long, uncomfortable journey; having to give birth for the first time in a strange town, with no-one beside her except her tired and probably bewildered young husband … and some animals. According to the traditional Nativity play, the couple had knocked on the door of every inn in town, until finally, one inn-keeper took pity on them and let them stay in his stable out the back.

Mary (probably) felt nervous

I’m sure Mary would have been feeling nervous about the birth. She knew what the angel Gabriel had promised:

‘You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.’ (Luke 1:31–33)

And yet she also knew that giving birth had always been a dangerous affair, ever since God had told Eve:

‘I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
with painful labour you will give birth to children.’ (Genesis 3:16)

In fact, on the way to Bethlehem, Mary may well have passed by the tomb of Rachel, Jacob’s beloved wife, who had died after giving birth to their second son, Benjamin (Genesis 35:16–20).

Mary (probably) gave birth in a home

Although Mary was doubtless daunted at the prospect of giving birth, the birth may not have been as isolated and lonely as our Nativity plays and Christmas cards would have us believe.

You see, it all hangs on one Greek word in the phrase: ‘there was no place for them in the kataluma’ (Luke 2:7, ESV). This word can mean inn, a ‘guest house’. However, elsewhere in the Gospel of Luke (22:11), this word is translated as ‘guest room’.

Since Joseph and Mary were both from the line of David and all the members of that clan were travelling to Bethlehem for the Census, it is quite likely that they had relatives there to stay with.

Houses of that time typically had a ground floor living area, an upper room for guests and a lower floor or cave below ground for the family’s animals to sleep in. So, when Mary and Joseph arrived, there was no room in the guest room—it already had visitors in it—so they were given a place to stay downstairs with the family’s animals. In all likelihood, Mary gave birth in a house, albeit in the area where the animals slept (hence the ‘manger’ for baby Jesus to sleep in).

There’s a lovely children’s story by Andrew McDonough called Bethlehem Town, which tries to explain this all to children. This illustration shows what houses in that region looked like …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

To my child who didn’t get an award

My treasured child,

I’m sorry that you missed out on getting an award at school this year. I can see that you’re really disappointed. It’s OK to feel sad—that just means that this was important to you. I’d love you to tell me more about how you’re feeling.

I know it’s hard to see your best friends going up on stage, or your siblings, and being the one still sitting down in the crowd. I am so proud of the way you clapped your friends and congratulated them. Being a good friend means celebrating their achievements and being proud of them. Try to put aside your feelings of envy and remember how hard your friends and classmates have worked to achieve those results. You never know how much they might have needed this encouragement right now. Many of them have had their own struggles to overcome.

You have been a great friend this year: you are caring, thoughtful, encouraging and fun. I know your friends really love being around you; you are always there to support each other. Being a good friend is one of the most important skills for life. But unfortunately, it is not one of the things that gets recognised on speech day. Here are some other things that won’t get you an award, but I believe are even more important than being the best at school:
–    helping out at home
–    looking after your little brother
–    trying your best at school
–    practising self-control
–    being kind, generous and forgiving
–    learning a new skill like cooking
–    practising your instrument
–    doing something creative
–    making people laugh
–    growing in your faith in God.

I am really proud of who you are, even if there’s no award for that at school. We know from the Bible that in God’s eyes, our character is more important than our awards and achievements.

‘The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’ (1 Samuel 16:7)

Only a few children get those top awards each year. Most children are like you—simply doing their best without being recognised up the front. In life, it’s really important to try hard and do the right thing, even if you don’t get any ‘reward’ for it. It’s also really important to develop a love for learning new things simply for the joy of it. It’s amazing to think of all the things you have learnt this year that you didn’t know last year. Let’s celebrate that!

I am so proud of the effort you have put into school this year. You have tried new things and challenged yourself. Nobody else knows what it took to keep persevering, even when it was hard.

If there is one area you would like to work on for next year, I will support you. We can help you to practise reading or maths, spelling, sport or music, if that’s a goal you want to set for yourself. But let’s aim for learning and self-confidence, not for rewards.

Even if you sit here again next year, clapping others but getting no awards for yourself, I will be proud of you. We all face disappointments in life, especially when we feel that our efforts aren’t being recognised. But what matters most is what we do with our disappointments. Let’s take a moment to feel sad, but then let’s get back up again together. Let’s take this chance to celebrate with your friends. And let’s take pride in what you have been learning and, most importantly, who you have been becoming this year.

From your loving and very proud mum.

This article originally appeared at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Talking with kids about horrific news

Image by prostooleh on Freepik.

In recent weeks there have been some particularly horrific events reported in the international and local news, including violent conflict, crime and natural disasters. Even more distressing is the fact that these events have caused unimaginable suffering for children and young people.

We may not deliberately expose our own children to the news, but somehow or other, they seem to pick up on the major events occurring in their world. This can cause our children to become upset and start worrying that those things may happen to them or the people they love. They can be especially affected if the adults around them become distressed or they see confronting images or if the news coverage extends over several days.

In general, it’s best to limit the amount of news our children are exposed to. Children under seven shouldn’t be exposed to horrific images and headlines. With older children, we can watch the news with them or watch a news program that’s designed for children, such as Behind the News.

Children feel secure if they know that they can talk to us at any time about anything. When a horrific event comes up in the news, we should prepare ourselves for these important conversations by finding out the basic facts and taking time to process our own response so that we can be calm for our children.

Make time

If your child raises the topic of events in the news, stop and give them your full attention. If they don’t initiate a conversation, it’s up to us to make time to talk with them. Ideally, this will be a time when both we and our children are feeling calm.

Here are some ideas to guide your conversations.

Ask

It’s good to ask what your children already know or have heard about the events in the news. As you listen to your children, it may become clear that they have an incomplete or misguided understanding of what is happening. And what they imagine is happening may be far worse than the reality. If this is the case, we can take the opportunity to correct our children’s misconceptions.

Inform

It’s best to tell our children what is happening in simple, age-appropriate terms, rather than ignore the issue. We should take care to tell our children only what they need to know, avoiding any graphic details. If our children have questions, it’s important to answer them or, if we don’t know the answer, commit to finding out.

Most horrific events do not happen at random—they usually occur within a broader historical, geographical or relational context. So it’s helpful to try to explain the context to our children as best as we can. This helps to minimise their fear that the same thing might suddenly happen to them.

Reassure …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Why I am writing this letter to my local MP

… about the proposed ‘conversion therapy’ legislation in NSW.

In November, the NSW State Parliament is set to consider two bills prohibiting ‘change or suppression’ practices relating to sexual orientation and gender identity.

The precise wording of the bill to be proposed by the NSW Government has not been made public. However, a Consultation Paper was recently released by a working group from the Department of Communities and Justice and the Department of Health. Contrary to the pre-election commitments made by the NSW Labor Party, this proposal is largely based on the ‘change or suppression’ legislation that is already in force in the state of Victoria.

As a Christian mother, I find the proposed legislation deeply concerning. It undermines my right to talk about the Christian view of sex and gender with my own children. It sees the Christian sexual ethics I want to pass on to them as inherently ‘harmful’, rather than something that is good and life-giving.

That’s why I am going to write to my local MP this week.

What’s the problem in Victoria?

The Victorian laws, which have been helpfully summarised by Freedom for Faith, go far beyond banning coercive and genuinely harmful ‘gay conversion’ practices. They consider anything that is not full, unqualified, immediate support for a person’s sexual desires to be ‘suppression’ of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The context doesn’t matter. The proposed legislation would apply to conversations between family members, children and parents and married couples. Praying a prayer where we ask God to help someone manage their sexual desires would be a criminal offence.

Alarmingly, the Victorian legislation applies even if a person consents to this kind of conversation or prayer. The Victorian legislation also treats sexual orientation and gender identity the same way, even though they are two very different issues.

Basically, in Victoria, it is now illegal to encourage anyone to exercise self-control over their sexual urges. Such encouragement, in any form, is considered to cause ‘serious and ongoing harm’.

How does this affect parents and children?

If a Victorian child expresses a feeling of gender incongruence—discomfort with the male or female body they were born with—then the only legal response from parents and clinicians is one of unquestioning affirmation of their chosen gender identity.

Victorian parents are therefore understandably frightened that if they question their child’s sudden claim to be ‘trans’, that child might be removed from their care. Some Victorian clinicians are refusing to treat children with gender dysphoria because they are frightened about falling foul of the law if they take a wholistic approach, such as ‘watchful waiting’ (see below).

And just to close up any loopholes, it also illegal to take a Victorian child out of the state to receive any treatment that is not fully ‘affirming’ of the child’s chosen gender identity.

Why is ‘affirmation only’ problematic?

To gain a more detailed understanding of gender dysphoria, I recommend the book The Gender Revolution: a Biblical, Biological and Compassionate Response by Patricia Weerakoon with Robert Smith and Kamal Weerakoon.

Victoria’s ‘affirmation only’ approach to gender dysphoria is not supported by science. Firstly, study after study has shown that when parents and clinicians practise an approach of ‘watchful waiting’—that is, supporting a child without encouraging transition—around 85% of children grow out of their gender dysphoria by the time they are adults. Many of them end up identifying as homosexual.

However, if children are ‘affirmed’ in their gender dysphoria—if they are encouraged to change their name, pronouns and appearance—then almost 100% of them will proceed down a medicalised pathway towards puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones and potentially even surgery (The Gender Revolution, Chapter 6, Location 1674–83). This sets children up for a lifetime of dependence on experimental medical interventions and the consequent health risks (many of which are still unknown).

The ‘affirmation’ pathway is not harmless …

Keep reading this article (and my letter to my local MP) over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Preparing ourselves for Halloween

At about this time every year, I notice a decoration going up on a house or a costume for sale in a shop and think to myself: ‘Ah yes, I really must work out what to do about Halloween—what should our family “policy” be?’

Just shut the door?

When our kids first became old enough to notice that something was going on, I was a little bit afraid of Halloween and we had a ‘just shut the door’ policy. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to deliberately scare children for fun. I told my kids simply, ‘We don’t do Halloween in our family’.

Then our children started seeing the neighbourhood kids walking past, all dressed up to go ‘trick or treating’. ‘Can we go too?’ they started to ask.

Just hospitality?

My next policy was one of ‘just hospitality’. I thought how sad it would be if the only house in the street with their door shut was the one where the Christians lived. So we began putting a bowl of lollies outside the house and welcoming trick or treaters as they passed. I let our kids get dressed up if they wanted to and encouraged them to invite the trick or treaters to come and take something. Gradually, my kids started making homemade decorations too. One year, they made a skull out of Lego. Another year, they wanted to try carving a pumpkin.

This week I listened to a podcast from Faith in Kids and was inspired by the example of some Christian families who make little gift bags to give out to the kids of their neighbourhood, sometimes including a Bible verse or a Christian Halloween story or tract (you can find some here and here).

No fear!

In previous years, I have felt reluctant to actively participate in Halloween beyond buying a few bags of lollies. I didn’t like all the dark spiritual undertones and the themes of death, violence and fear that seemed so anti-Christian.

However, my approach has changed since reading an article by James Jordan (there’s also a video from SpeakLife that takes a similar approach). Jordan explains the Christian origins of Halloween or All Hallow’s Eve (the night before All Saints Day) like this:

‘The concept, as dramatised in Christian custom, is quite simple: On October 31, the demonic realm tries one last time to achieve victory, but is banished by the joy of the Kingdom. What is the means by which the demonic realm is vanquished? In a word: mockery. Satan’s great sin is pride. Thus, to drive Satan from us we ridicule him … because he has lost the battle with Jesus and he no longer has power over us …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

Mum/dad, what is a referendum?

Image courtesy of Australian Electoral Commission.

In recent weeks, Australian kids have started noticing that our country is in ‘referendum mode’. They’re pulling leaflets out of the mailbox, seeing signs in people’s windows and hearing the adults around them discussing the arguments for ‘Yes’ or ‘No’.

So how can we explain what is happening in a way that our children will understand?

What’s a referendum?

A referendum is a vote asking all Australians to answer ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to a question about changing the Australian Constitution. It is compulsory—all Australian citizens have to vote.

What’s the Australian Constitution?

The Constitution is a set of rules about how Australia is governed. It has eight chapters which describe how decisions and laws will be made for the whole country and for each state—through the parliaments, where our elected representatives meet.

For more about elections, see our article ‘Mum, who are those faces on the telegraph pole?’.

The Australian Constitution is different to the Constitution of the United States of America, because it does not contain a ‘bill of rights’. In Australia, people’s rights are protected by the laws made by the parliaments and by the courts.

Do we have to vote on every law?

No, usually the state and federal governments (or other members of parliament) suggest laws which then have to be debated and accepted by the parliaments. This means that for most laws, we rely on the people who were voted in to represent us to decide on the best way to run our country.

But when it comes to the Constitution, any changes have to be approved by the people of Australia through a referendum. If the people say ‘Yes’ then the Constitution must be changed.

Sometimes, the government will ask the people of Australia to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ to another change to the law, one which doesn’t affect the Constitution. This is called a plebiscite. The result of this kind of vote can help the government to make their decision, but it doesn’t legally have to be followed. A postal plebiscite was held in 2017.

Have there been many referendums?

Yes, there have been 44 referendums since the Constitution was established in 1901. Only eight of those referendums have been ‘carried’ or ‘passed’ (that is, the ‘Yes’ vote won). The 1967 Referendum about recognising Aboriginal people in the Constitution as equal citizens passed by a huge majority of 90%. The last referendum was held in 1999.

How can a referendum get passed? When does a ‘Yes’ vote win?

A referendum can only be passed, and the Constitution changed by a ‘double majority’ of voters. That means, more than half of Australians overall need to vote ‘Yes’ and more than half of the voters in at least four states (that is, more than half of the states) need to vote ‘Yes’.

What is the question in this referendum?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

A healthy gender identity starts now … with you!

Do you have a pre-teen or ‘tween’ living in your house? Are you worried about how to deal with adolescence? Don’t panic! While puberty can be a confusing time, your loving guidance will help your child to grow into the man or woman God made them to be. You have an opportunity now to help them build a healthy gender identity before puberty hits.

(I wrote this article based on an interview with Patricia Weerakoon, c0-author of The Gender Revolution and author of Growing Up by the Book.)

Why are pre-teens vulnerable to gender ideology?

Children who are about to start puberty (ages 10–12) are particularly vulnerable to gender ideology: the belief that you can be ‘born in the wrong body’ and should change your body to match your innate inner feeling of ‘gender identity’.

To begin with, pre-teens have a rapidly developing brain and are sensitive to what is happening within and around them. At this age, children have a normal, natural ‘body angst’ about how their body compares to others and how it is going to change during puberty.

On top of that, many pre-teens are immersed in the world of social media, which encourages them to be discontented with their bodies and to question their gender. Spending a lot of time online, whether on Tiktok, Instagram and Youtube or playing video games, can also condition children, especially those who are uncomfortable with their bodies, into seeing their bodies not as a good gift from God, but as something that can be created and recreated however they like; the line between fantasy and reality is blurred.

What are pre-teens hearing about gender, sex and puberty?

Today’s pre-teens are being told that if you don’t conform to narrow gender stereotypes, then you must actually be the other gender, trapped in the wrong body. If you’re a boy who dislikes rough-and-tumble play and likes tea parties and dancing, then you must really be a girl. If you’re a girl who doesn’t like pink or Barbies, but likes climbing trees then you must really be a boy.

Pre-teens are also hearing that puberty—a normal, natural stage of life—is an optional inconvenience that can be paused at will. (Medically speaking, this is completely untrue. Artificially blocking a child’s puberty has serious side-effects; puberty cannot simply resume where it left off.)

Sadly, pre-teens are also living in a pornified culture where girls think women are expected to look like porn stars and tolerate pornified behaviour from men. Many boys are following online influencers who promote ‘macho’ and misogynistic expressions of masculinity.

Into this fraught environment comes transgender ideology promising a way to relieve your body angst, fix your gender non-conformity, avoid puberty and escape the negative visions of womanhood or manhood that frighten you. It’s no wonder that some children (especially girls) find this offer attractive.

What role do parents play?

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

A prayer for a surprise pregnancy

When our youngest child was about to start primary school, I felt like I was about to enter a whole new stage of motherhood. I was considering two different part-time ministry jobs, as well as various opportunities to serve at our church and our kids’ school and I felt excited at what lay ahead.

On New Year’s Eve I prayed this prayer (I found it this week in my prayer journal):

Eternal Creator, Loving Father,
I kneel before you at the threshold of a new year and hand my life over to you again. I am willing—and excited—to go wherever you lead me. All I ask is that you keep equipping me for whatever you call me to—with love, wisdom, time, ideas, grace, patience, faithfulness and perseverance. Please fill me with your Spirit to speak the life-giving truth and to live by the truth. Please show me how—and who—to love with time and encouragement, food and comfort …
Amen.

When I prayed that prayer, I had no idea that God was about to answer in the most surprising way. After five-and-a-half years of believing that ‘family planning’ was something in our control, I fell pregnant for the fourth time.

I thought I was open to anything, ready to serve in whatever way God asked me to. Except for this. I’m not ready for this. I had had enough of 24-hour ‘morning’ sickness and the other discomforts and anxieties that come with pregnancy, especially at an older age. I wasn’t confident I had enough energy left to carry and give birth to another baby. I couldn’t face the thought yet more years of breastfeeding dramas, nappies and sleepless nights. I was not emotionally prepared for another five years of having a small person attached to me most of the time. I felt like I was being asked to stay back and ‘repeat’ when I had been about to graduate.

Over that summer, I slowly came to accept the fact that I really was pregnant. I gradually came to realise that carrying, birthing and raising another child was the ministry God had planned for me. It was primarily that person that God wanted me to love with my time and encouragement, food and comfort. And it was for the ministry of motherhood that I would need God’s provision of love, wisdom, time, ideas, grace, faithfulness and perseverance, as I had prayed.

I felt a mixture of emotions as I told people the news: sometimes I felt guilty that I was ‘going back for fourths’ while others were struggling to conceive even one child; other times I felt embarrassed (‘Don’t you guys know how babies are made?’); sometimes I tried to second-guess God’s plans—surely this would be that long-awaited daughter! (It wasn’t.)

Now I’ve written a new prayer for those who find themselves surprised by pregnancy …

Keep reading over at Growing Faith, a Christian online magazine for parents. Find out more about Growing Faith and subscribe to our monthly e-newsletter here.

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